About Me and my background

Before I was born I was a mistake. I was put up for adoption and I spent the first 2 weeks of my life unknown. I was given to 2 people who was to give a good home. I grew up very protected and sheltered. I can’t remember ever being given any compliments by my mother. Everything was never good enough, like when I brought home a report card, and I had 3 A’s, the 2 B’s were pointed out and why didn’t I get A’s. Her opinion I believe the most. She also makes sure I’m dependent on her for everything and that everything she does is the best way to do it and I’m unable to make it up to that standard. My dad was always pretty supportive and when he ever sided with me on an argument it meant big fight. I was never psychically or sexually abused when I was a child.

I was never part of the popular group in school. I usually only had one close girlfriend and I found it easy to talk to the boys. The first crush I remember having was in grade 3. every year after that I had a crush for every grade. I went to a pretty strict school, and nothing ever came of these crushes.

In grade 9 I was introduced to who was to be my first bf, I’ll call him A. It was easy to talk to him. I started going out with him when I was 16. We went out for a month and then he started going out with bible thumper, without telling me. I could understand because my parents were really strict and never knew I was going out with him. We still talked and I ended up convincing him that he should go out with me and we went out behind the bible thumper’s back until they broke up. This was the beginning of our train wreck relationship. I can’t remember when I told him this, but I said I went out with a guy before him and made it out like I was a victim of abuse from him, but never forced to have intercourse just bj’s etc. I was totally naive about sex and my body though. Anyways, that gave him the hero role and felt like he had to save me. I gave my virginity to him the summer before I turned 17. I also was friends with a girl who went to a different school and I met some of her friends. This is how I met my friend B. Every weekend it was all about getting drunk. When I get drunk I get horny. Most times my bf was never there, so this is when I would go with B. At one point bf A met B and it wasn’t good. That was the start of hiding when I went out if B was there, it was made out that he wasn’t. B was just a playmate and we never fucked, but it did come close one time.

My bf and me ended up going out for 3 1/2 years on and off. We fought and it would get physical sometimes. He got me into the drug scene, although I never did anything more than pot, that I know of. When I look back on it, near the end of our relationship he was into more than pot, I just don’t know what and when I was going out with him, I was naive. My school work started to suffer and I skipped class a lot. I remember one class that I always skipped, I missed something like 32 classes or something and I still got a B. lol. I also figured out that I was bi around this time. Never really acted on it though. Grade 11 I had my locker beside this guy C. He always gave A trouble, and always told me I should go out with someone better. I’m not sure who he was talking about, but if he asked me out I would go out with him in a heartbeat. I had a crush on him since grade 8. But he just made it hard for us to go out and they would always yell at each other. I graduated school and I got contacts for graduating, woopee. Oh yeah and my dress and the tickets to go to the dinner. It would have been nice to get something good to remember. And I had to go in A’s POS car, not even a limo. But whatever.

I was to go to college the next year, even though I wanted to go to make-up artistry school, but that wasn’t good enough. So I went for business something or other and hated it. I ran away sort of speak. I stayed with friends for about 2 weeks or so. Until someone told my parents and I went back home.

The next year I switched to Applied Arts or something, included Crim, Psych, Anthropology, english, etc. I never really did homework in highschool so doing all this writing and stuff, I hated it too. I quit college and I started working at a temp agency. I ended up getting a job in the gov’t. I also applied for a different gov’t job and I ended up getting that in the spring.

During this time I had my 19th birthday, in which I wanted my bf to come of course. Well he didn’t. So I ended up with 2 good friends who partied it up and I got drunk. One of my friends and I went home with two guys and I fucked one them. Then is was back to business as usual.

I started at this new job and that’s where I met D. We didn’t end up going out until the summer. He was totally nice and treated me like a princess. I told him a lot that he was too good for me and he should find someone who really deserved him. There were a lot of time I slept at his house but we never did anything. This started to piss me off and I ended up calling A, in a drunken stupor, and I’m not sure if you would even call it fucking, because from what I remember he barely stuck it in me and he came, lol. The next night I got drunk with D and we fucked. I moved in with him about 3 weeks later. Engaged after 3 months of going out. Married before we had been going out a year. My knight in shinning armor, you could say.

We had I would call a normal marriage. I got pregnant with my first girl, and was sicker than anything. Had a horrible delivery, and she came out looking like something not from this planet. I totally didn’t want anything to do with her, and she was looked after by my mom a lot. Even when I wanted to hold and not put her down I was told I shouldn’t hold her, blah blah blah. So I sucked as a mom too.

Our marriage was on the rocks, so what do you do in that case when you are talking about splitting up, why of course, get pregnant again. Well it worked. So this pregnancy I was still sick, but the delivery was a dream compared to the first. She came out beautiful and perfect. So I actually became a mom to her.

I always feel like she was mine and my first was my mothers.

After she was born, we felt great pressure from my mom to not have anymore children, and he went for a vasectomy. Then I went into deep depression. I knew that I didn’t want anymore kids at that point, but I didn’t know if I never wanted to have anymore. I hate my mother for that, and him too.

I went back to work and to make a long story short, I flipped out at my manager, and have been on disability since for depression.

I opened up to D, that I wanted to try swinging. This is not a good idea unless you both agree it fine. I was told that we could try it and that it was fun. I was also to be bi without any consequences. That’s how I started talking to E. E was going out with a girl and we were supposed to get together, but we never did get together with our other halves. We never had sex though. Anyways, we still talk, but we haven’t seen each other for over a year. After a year of swinging, we stopped. I now want to have other men in my life and I can’t see why I have this great and awesome man right here and can’t accept that. Uggh, I’m retarded.

I started investigating stuff on the internet and found BPD. Everything I can relate too. D is totally stressed out from living with me and doesn’t know what to do. We are separating once we get are finances in order, which we are in deep debt because of me spending on stuff that I don’t really need. But it’s fun to buy stuff.

One thing that’s good is that D’s mom is really helping us out. I haven’t told my parents and I’m not sure when I’m going to. But it’s less stress them not knowing right now. I have an appointment with Dr on Feb 18 to find out if I’m really have BPD. Although from all I have read I can’t see how I don’t.

I have also been suffering from gallstones since July, last year. These are the worst. I should finally be getting surgery Feb 22 to have it taken out.

I am currently looking for a 1 bdrm basement suite that will let me take my cat and hopefully my dog, but she can stay here if I can’t. I need to take my cat with me though.

Anyways, that’s where I’m at right now. I decided to start this blog for a place to rant and rave, and hopefully I might be able to help others, but even if I don’t, I have my own diary of my progress.